Porn: The Effects On Man & Marriage

Disclaimer: This article doesn't label porn as good or bad, sinful or not, or classify it as adultery. It discusses scientific research on porn's impact on the human brain. The use of 'man' refers to humankind, not just males. I'm not a pornography or sex addiction specialist; this is my interpretation of the effects of porn on individuals and relationships and how to overcome pornography use or addiction based on my extensive research.

Porn use often begins in adolescence out of curiosity about the opposite sex and intimacy. Studies reveal that, on average, males start viewing pornography at age ten and females at 16. With sex being natural and healthy in marriage, how can porn be harmful?

“Millions of people are addicted to porn, spending billions of dollars a month on their drug of choice – pornography.”

Some individuals use porn alone, while some couples use porn to spice things up in the bedroom or rekindle lost or diminished passion. The issue of diminished passion isn't a bedroom problem; it stems from an emotional disconnect. Many people mistakenly believe that revitalizing the bedroom necessitates sexual variety, including different positions, locations, toys, and porn. That may seem logical, but there's more to consider.

Types of Pornography:

There is a wide variety of pornographic content, including both legal and illegal types, but they can generally be categorized into two main groups.

Soft Porn — does not show penetration, ejaculation, oral sex, or close-ups of genitals. It's an erotic setup that eludes to what will happen without showing graphic details. It has an erotic component, is less sexually graphic than hard porn, and leaves much to the viewer's imagination. 50 Shades of Gray is a perfect example of soft porn - and believe it or not, soft porn can damage your psyche. How? It draws you in, makes you more curious, slowly desensitizes you, and the next thing you know, you're on your way to an addiction. Don't believe me? Read on...

Hard Porn — depicts explicit sexual acts, including vaginal, anal, and oral intercourse. It can also include fetish play, ejaculation, cunnilingus, fellatio, and anilingus.

Addiction

Porn use can lead to addiction, with studies suggesting it's more addictive than substances like crack, cocaine, heroin, meth, alcohol, or cigarettes. Overcoming a porn addiction is often considered exceptionally challenging. Whether or not it's the "most" addictive substance, if it's ranked high enough to cause debate, you'd be foolish not to be concerned.

Effects on Marriage and Relationship

The issue with porn lies in the fact that it does not represent real sex, and the individuals in pornographic content are not your spouse or partner. Why does this matter?   

Turning to porn in a relationship can imply that you need more to arouse you, finding your partner insufficient. However, it's crucial to understand that the issue is not a problem with your spouse but within your brain. The need for porn isn't a psychological or sexual issue, it's a brain function issue. Rather than strengthening the bond with your spouse and considering them the standard of beauty, using porn consciously shifts your focus, both sexually and emotionally, to someone or something else.

Still, why is porn so harmful? TPorn is harmful for various reasons, notably causing Erectile Dysfunction in men. It can lead to decreased relationship intimacy, potential addiction, and extramarital affairs.

Couples who initially use porn together may experience increased passion, but this effect tends to wear off. As a result, one partner may feel hurt or inadequate, addiction to porn can set it, and it can even lead to an extramarital affair. This slippery slope can have catastrophic consequences.

Marriages don't typically end due to a lack of love but rather due to a lack of true intimacy, the kind that fosters deep passion, both sexually and emotionally. Pornography can hinder the development of this genuine intimacy.

If those reasons don't concern you, continue reading to discover the other detrimental effects of pornography use and when they typically occur.

The effects of pornography use may shock you.

Porn Use: The Effects in Three Stages

Stage 1: short-term use

• Reduced sexual satisfaction for both men and women as they compare their real intimacy to unrealistic portrayals in porn. This can make couples question their connection and passion.

• People begin to view their partner's physical appearance as less than attractive than before using porn. 

• Non-sexual affection diminishes   

• Verbal communication breaks down.  

• Connection suffers.  

• Love and respect begin to diminish. 

Stage 2: mid-term use

• Porn consumption can lead to a decline in value and respect for women as they become devalued and objectified. Men may develop unrealistic expectations that women should always be as enthusiastic about sex as porn actresses.

• Studies show that women lose respect for men because they see them as animalistic instead of loving men of integrity.

• A desire for more porn – Individuals begin to crave porn.

• Generalized anger and impatience set in - it takes very little to frustrate the porn-watcher.

• Extra-marital affairs may begin.

• Diminished reaction to porn because desensitization begins.

• Drop in libido.

• Problems with procrastination in many areas of life develop.

• Love continues to diminish for your spouse.

Stage 3: long-term use

• Marital commitment is devalued - people don't view marriage as important, they view their spouse as less important, start to view children as less important, and they begin to undervalue faithfulness to their partner

• The need for a variety of porn develops (harder material, child porn, beastiality, zoophilia)

• Desensitization to cruelty occurs – Individuals believe that anal sex, group sex, use of toys, hiring of prostitutes, and S&M are common and acceptable, and they need these deviant acts to become aroused, enjoy sex, and reach orgasm

• Begin to trivialize sexual violence

• Erectile dysfunction

• Performance anxiety (male and female)

• Depression

• Social anxiety

• Memory impairment

• Mimics OCD or ADHD symptoms

• Difficulty reaching orgasm from vaginal sex

• Extra-marital affairs are highly likely during this stage

The Remedy:

Create a loving, heartfelt connection and bond where your partner is your standard of beauty. This requires courtship, non-sexual physical affection, intimate conversation (non-sexual), pheromones and smells, quality time with each other, emotional and heartfelt connection, deep love, and a serious commitment to each other.

Learn how porn affects your life - your brain, health, career, and connection with your spouse. 

Create boundaries by allowing your spouse full access to your computer, phone, tablet, and all devices. Share all passwords to all accounts with your spouse.

Have an accountability partner. Make it someone you trust with your life and preferably someone who has overcome this in their past so they understand, you won’t feel judged, and they can of hope to you.

Keep yourself busy. I once had a Priest tell me that he recommends people take up a creative hobby or interest such as art, drawing, painting, acting... anything creative.

Instal an Internet filter on all devices with reports going to a chosen Accountability Partner. 

Learn your triggers and develop safeguards from them. Learn where/when/how you are tempted, set up barriers to those, and/or figure out how to elude them when they occur.

90-Day Sexual Fast. (see below)

Write down your positive motivations for quitting porn, and post these reasons somewhere you'll see them often. Anytime you are tempted, read these motivations and call your Accountability Partner.

Grow in integrity. Realize that falling to the temptation of porn is robbing yourself - it's an injustice to yourself. Sexuality is a gift to share with your spouse - the one you love - the one you committed your life to. It isn't to be wasted with cheap behavior on a cheap product. It's to be celebrated in love, for the sake of love. Fulton Sheen says it's not about saying No to porn; it's about saying Yes to what your soul is worth and saying Yes to human divinity.

Other Points:

Fasting from Sex During Porn-Detox

The bulk of porn addiction counselors and experts prescribe no sexual behavior during the initial phase of recovery that lats 90 days. This includes masturbation, porn use, and kissing that would be tempting for the one in recovery. Many counselors require a 90-day abstinence contract. This 90-day Fast exists for three important reasons:

• the addicted needs to realize they will be okay without porn, sex, and masturbation - they will live - they won't die without it.

• they need to experience a neurochemical detoxification - this resets the brain chemically in terms of sexual desires, expectations, and satisfactions regarding sexual intimacy.

• the addicted needs to relearn healthy intimacy

The Science

Porn and sex addicts are addicted to the neurochemicals (oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, serotonin, norepinephrine, and vasopressin) that are released during porn use and sexual encounters. This cocktail is responsible for the addiction and withdrawal symptoms that appear when they haven't experienced porn and/or a sexual encounter in a specific amount of time. There is a Cue, Routine, and Reward circuit involved with bad habits and addiction. These neurochemicals are part of the reward circuit. To deactivate the reward circuit, you must stop the Routine (reinforcing behavior - using porn or sex) to allow the neuro-circuits to rest and reset to normal/healthy. Research proves that it takes 90 days for neurochemistry to change and return to normal, healthy levels.

The Good News 

Couples who don't view porn have much lower rates of infidelity and divorce than those who watch porn alone or together. This shouldn't come as a surprise - if you use erotic images (porn) to become aroused, your focus is not on your spouse. Where focus goes, energy flows. Couples that watch porn together reinforce the belief that sexual attraction to others outside the marriage is not only permissible but desired. This is a slippery slope because this admittance and encouragement leads to desensitization. Choosing not to watch porn together (or to approve your spouse's use of porn) decreases your chance of infidelity occurring.

The good news? After 90 days of abstaining and detoxification, individuals experience a return to normal, healthy thoughts,

emotions, and behaviors. Moreover, the abnormal symptoms like erectile dysfunction and others mentioned earlier tend to subside during this recovery period.

Our late Pope, John Paul II, famously said the problem with porn isn't that it shows "too much" but shows "too little." Porn isn't about love. Commitment and respect are. You cannot bring something unloving into marriage and expect a positive gain or reward. Choose love, choose your spouse, and the reward will be great.

If you or your spouse are struggling with porn use and don't know where to turn, please get in touch with me or peruse the resources below.

Resources:

Below are resources to help you or your loved one determine if addiction is present, provide you with education, and support and guide you through detox and recovery. Please click the links for further information on each.

Integrity Restored:

A great organization whose mission is to restore the integrity of individuals, spouses, and families that have been affected by pornography and pornography addiction in a loving and non-judgmental way. I highly recommend surfing the Integrity Restored website, educating yourself, and reaching out if you're in need - or if you just want to learn more.

Covenant Eyes:

Internet Accountability and Filtering software can be found on the Covenant Eyes website. They not only produce that software, but they also host conversations promoting healthy sexuality and a porn-free life. Their software can monitor all your devices and then send reports to your chosen trusted friend / accountability partner. This method is very effective.

Sexaholics Anonymous:

A fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover. This is a recovery program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and received permission from AA to use its Twelve Steps Program. They host meetings via email, telephone, and face-to-face meetings in every state within the US and many countries throughout the world. Visit the Sexaholics Anonymous website for a meeting near you.

TED Talks & Articles:

For an excellent TED Talk titled The Great Porn Experiment, please click here --it's full of fascinating info.

There’s an excellent article on KnowledgeForMen.com titled, "Trash Your Porn, Quit Masturbating and Crush Life." I highly recommend it, and there are other great articles there for men's health as well.

Love and support one another,