Understanding the 6 Human Needs

The 6 Human Needs strategy is by far, in my opinion, the greatest strategy for living a fulfilled life. The concept of basic human needs was first birthed by Sigmund Freud, noted and contributed to by several psychologists over the years, and most famously pulled together by Brooklyn-born American psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970). He proposed six basic human needs.

Tony Robbins recently adapted Maslow's theory and teachings into one of the most brilliant tools for life transformation: The 6 Basic Human Needs.

We all have needs, not just for basic survival, but 6 profound needs that must be fulfilled for a life of quality. The needs are: Love/Connection, Variety, Significance, Certainty, Growth, and Contribution. The first four needs are necessary for survival and a successful life. The last two needs (growth and contribution), are necessary to experience a fulfilled life. Some of you may be thinking, "I need CHOCOLATE, CLOTHES and JESUS!!!" and you are correct - but those all fall within the 6 Human Needs. This is a long article, but hang in there... it'll be worth it!

No, Donuts are not one of The 6 Human Needs, even though our brains try to tell us they are. :)

LOVE & CONNECTION

Everyone needs to feel connection with someone or something. We all hope and strive for love, to give and to receive. The need for love and connection begins at the start of life - babies and children need love and touch, and the need continues throughout life. In adulthood, this need is rounded out with the concept of romantic love, marriage, the devotion to one person. In some cultures romantic love does not exist, being replaced by tribe and family, and in other cultures marriages are arranged.

Whatever your culture, love and connection are not only universal, but key to healthy emotional well-being. The need for love and connection can be satisfied in positive or negative ways. The means for satisfying these needs can be good for you, those around you, and society, they can be neutral, or negative for all.

Let's look at a few negative and positive ways we satisfy our need for love and connection.

“The need for love and connection begins at the start of life - babies and children need love and touch, and the need continues throughout life. In adulthood, this need is rounded out with the concept of romantic love, marriage, the devotion to one person.”

Positive:

• quality time, love, and connection from family and friends

• connection with community or work

• performing good deeds and/or volunteering

• being kind, receiving kindness

• marital intimacy

• words of affirmation

• cuddling

• loving on your pets

• connection to religion

• giving/receiving gifts

• eye contact

• acts of service

• physical affection

• joining a club

Negative:

• dominating and controlling others who are forced to show appreciation to you because you help them with one of their needs

• being helpless so people have to take care of you

• always talking about your illness - creates connection, love, and empathy from others

• staying depressed - you receive attention, compassion, empathy, and help from others

• emotional eating - a form of self soothing, self connection

• deviant sexual activity - connection, superficial love, attention

• addiction - a form of self soothing, self connection

• children displaying rebellious behavior to seek attention from busy or neglectful parents

Answer these questions: What do you do to feel love and connection? Is it by giving, receiving, or both? What do you do to receive love and connection from others? How do you give love and connection to others? Do you experience love on a regular basis or do you hold back because of fear? How can you improve your fulfillment of love and connection in healthy ways moving forward?

VARIETY

Ah, variety -- the Spice of Life! We all love variety to some degree. What's interesting is, for one person variety means watching a television show, wearing blue socks instead of the usual black, or ordering something different from the menu of your favorite restaurant. For the next person, variety means base jumping, gambling upwards of $500,000 a pop, or swimming with sharks off the Gold Coast of Australia.

We all want and need variety in our lives. Variety exercises our emotional, psychological, mental, and physical range. Variety is one way to combat depression and anxiety. A good dose of variety is healthy and the excitement that ensues is necessary to feel alive.

Some forms of variety create suspense and surprise, and this keeps us on our toes. Variety can be fun and exciting for some, and feel risky and terrifying for others. Which category do you fall in?

On the flip side, the same monotonous routine breeds boredom and, if not addressed swiftly and correctly, can foster harmful experimentation in the form of change, all to satisfy the need for variety and conquer boredom.

“A good dose of variety is healthy and the excitement that ensues is necessary to feel alive.”

Positive means:

• exercise and movement

• participating in a club

• going to a spa

• sports

• attending live arts

• spontaneous dates

• travel

• learning a new hobby or skill

• a quality tv show or movie

Negative means:

• deviant sexual behavior

• creating drama/conflict/problems

• violent behavior

• emotional eating

• viewing pornography

• being overly excited during crisis

• addiction to drugs or alcohol

• cigarette smoking

• watching the news

It is crucial to integrate Variety in your life.

Answer these questions: How do you meet your need for Variety? What do you do with your physiology, focus, and language during your variety vs. times when you experience boredom? What are the differences in your feelings and behavior between the two? Do you have problems, hesitations, or fears that give you emotional uncertainty and prevent you from trying new things?

SIGNIFICANCE

Who doesn't like to feel special, significant, or important? To want to feel important doesn't make you prideful, needy or a narcissist. We need to feel important, needed and wanted in life.

This need begins when we are infants; babies and children need to feel #1 in their parent's lives. The need is so great that siblings begin to compete with each other for attention - hence "sibling rivalry". Children will fight for a way to feel special and different from their sibling(s). They do this in positive ways (humor, academics, who is better/faster at completing chores, talents, who has better behavior), and in negative ways (naughty behavior, telling lies to cover up mishaps and out of fear of rejection or discipline, tantrums, rebellion to gain attention). Lack of feeling significant is a form of low self esteem because it stems from comparing ourselves to others. A hierarchical pecking order develops and we begin to question our superiority, inferiority, and in the end, self worth.

On a positive note, our need to feel significant is one element that makes us raise our standards. On the flip side, if we become hyper-focused on significance, we experience difficulty in connecting with others because comparisons breed differences, not commonalities.

We feel connected with others in two broad ways: (on a deeper level) - when we realize they genuinely care about us and we care for them, and (on a more superficial level) - if we have things in common. The first step to helping someone feel significant - allow them to feel that you genuinely care for them.

Do you struggle with insignificance? If so... is this your parent's fault because of the way they raised you? Your siblings fault? A mean teacher who, in school, told you you'd never amount to anything? A bully? It doesn't always matter WHY a person has low self esteem. What matters is how to combat it.

Without feelings of significance, we are left to feel small and unworthy. We all have these same 6 human needs, but find vastly different ways of satisfying them. Our needs can be satisfied in positive, neutral, or negative ways. As adults, some find significance through being different - personal style: clothing style, tattoos, hair style, piercings. Others find significance through personality: 'the life of the party', 'the wise one', or 'the dramatic one'. Artists can find significance through the popularity of their paintings, photography, or music. Have a look at the list below for examples of finding significance, both positive and negative.

“On a positive note, our need to feel significant is one element that makes us raise our standards. On the flip side, if we become hyper-focused on significance, we experience difficulty in connecting with others because comparisons breed differences, not commonalities.”

Positive means:

• serving in the military

• providing for your family

• meaningful work - career, home-making

• contribution to humanity - volunteer, invention, medical breakthrough

• financial wealth - provided you do charitable things with your money

• success - being the best at something. Ex: athlete, business, entertainment

• breaking through big problems

• spirituality

• achievement

• built something great

• successful at something healthy, positive, good

Negative means:

• failure - some people feel significant if they are the worst at something as it brings them attention and help, fostering the feeling of significance

• being the sickest in the group - for the same reason above

• pride - pride sometimes sets in when a person's self esteem is so low, they force themselves to belief they are greater than they really are so they feel important

• by tearing down someone or something, trash talking, gossip

• for children - who has the most toys

• gangs (and their violence) make a gang member significant

Answer these questions: What do you do to feel significant? How do you make others feel significant? Do you experience significance on a regular basis? If you are married, do you feel that you are the most significant person in the world to your spouse? Do you make your spouse feel like the most important person in the world to you? If you are a parent, are you most important to your child/children? Do they feel most important to you?

CERTAINTY

What is Certainty as it pertains to Human Needs? It's the desire to feel safe, to be comfortable in your environment, and to experience pleasure while avoiding pain. Without some forms of Certainty in life, one is left to live in fear. With a great amount of Certainty, you feel stable, grounded, protected, secure, and can predict certain necessary safeguards in your life.

Like every other basic human need, the amount of necessary Certainty varies from person to person and is fulfilled in different ways, both in positive, healthy ways and in negative, unhealthy ways.

One person experiences Certainty with a one room apartment living on minimum wage, another feels Certainty if they know the shelter three blocks away will accept and feed them for the night, while another only feels Certainty if they make over two million dollars annually. Like the other five needs, it's relative - based on your psychological blueprint.

The human brain is not designed to handle great levels of uncertainty, it's too stressful, therefore a person will go to great and desperate lengths to obtain Certainty in life. Avoiding pain is one of the brain's survival instincts because continuous pain causes damage, and continuous damage leads to poor overall health (psychological, emotional, and physical) and eventually death.

The quality of your life depends on how well you adapt to uncertainty. If you handle uncertainty well, you will handle life well. That kind of flexibility and adaptivity breeds motivation, creativity, the ability to learn, and the desire and ability to change.

“Certainty is the desire to feel safe, to be comfortable in your environment, and to experience pleasure while avoiding pain. The human brain is not designed to handle great levels of uncertainty, it's too stressful, therefore a person will go to great and desperate lengths to obtain Certainty in life.”

Positive:

• having a roof over your head

• having enough food

• knowing how to obtain health care when needed

• knowing your neighbor won't attack

• job security

• marriage security

• a close relationship with your children before and after they leave the home

• holding faithfully to religious beliefs

• security in family relations and friendships

Negative Means:

• hoarding - brings a false certainty that you'll never do without

• over-eating - blood rushes to the stomach, you breathe deeper and harder, and feel alive

• smoking - you inhale deeper, waking you up, making you feel more alive

• trying to control others - ex: trying to control your spouse out of fear of abandonment so you feel safe

• trying to manipulate others - same as above

• alcoholism - you relax, ease social situations

• complaining or always having a problem - brings certainty of attention and compassion

• micromanaging - brings certainty that things will be done your way

The first step to gaining Certainty is to look at your life and realize you’ve already made it through so much, you've always been able to persevere, you're okay now, you are not your circumstances, and work to improve. The second step is to be grateful for all the blessings in your life. Spend time in gratitude for what you have.

Answer these questions: How do you obtain Certainty? When you feel uncertain, unsafe, unstable, or ungrounded, what do you do with your focus to feel more Certainty? Do you have an empowering belief? A religion to turn to? Do you focus on something in your past or on hope for the future? Do you find yourself using the same negative or positive language patterns? How can you better fulfill your need for certainty moving forward?

GROWTH

Everything in existence is either growing or dying. Humans need growth in every capacity: spiritually, intellectually, physically, and emotionally. Development in all four areas is key to a healthy life.

Does spiritual satisfaction exist? I'm not sure. Even during great spiritual growth, although temporarily grateful and enriched, we are left with the desire for more - thus the need to continue growing closer to God.

From infancy to adulthood, we constantly grow and change physically. Although we don't continue to grow in height, we do continue to physically change until death and through it all, our bodies hunger for physical activity. Physical activity is necessary for a healthy body, less we sit, gain weight and lose muscle, and disease sets in.

Emotionally, we change and grow with every life experience, from events in our personal lives to events in the world. Intellectually, we respond to all stimuli around us. Intellectual growth is a lifelong endeavor and occurs daily through reading, learning hands-on, and witnessing other's success and failure.

When we stop being physically active, our bodies degenerate. When we stop growing intellectually, our memory fades, cognitive ability diminishes, and the brain physically shrinks. When we stop growing emotionally, we regress in appropriate thoughts, feelings, and behavior. When we stop growing, we die.

Whatever you value in life: marriage, health, relationships, career success, integrity, character, money, love, generosity, contribution, virtue - all must be cultivated, worked, practiced, expanded. It takes energy and hard work, but is the reward not worth it?

“When we stop being physically active, our bodies degenerate. When we stop growing intellectually, our memory fades, cognitive ability diminishes, and the brain physically shrinks. When we stop growing emotionally, we regress in appropriate thoughts, feelings, and behavior. When we stop growing, we die.”

Positive Means of Growth:

• exercise

• reading

• study, learn something new

• personal development, growing into a better person

• learn or play a musical instrument

• take up a new hobby or sport

• grow in faith

Negative Means:

• sliding backwards, growing into a despicable human

• give in to harmful behavior - being controlling, manipulative, lying

• give in to bad habits

• too much time on tv, social media

Answer these questions: How do you experience Growth? When you want to grow, what do you do with your focus? How do you plan to fulfill your need for Growth in healthy ways from this point forward?

CONTRIBUTION

Contribution is the act of looking beyond oneself, going beyond one's own needs, and giving to others with no hoped for or expected personal gain. It's contributing to other people, a cause, or to a movement. It's a way to leave a legacy, a mark on the world, to make a difference.

We contribute in many different ways, based on our talents, skills, abilities, interests, and desires.

Contribution is the King of the 6 Human Needs because it regulates the others. If you focus on Contribution, you'll have Connection and love with others while helping them. You'll have Variety as you're doing something different from your everyday routine. Significance is fulfilled because you know you’re helping others, improving lives, making a difference. You'll have Certainty of being able to contribute. Growth occurs because anytime you contribute to others, you grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally/psychologically, and, if there's physical activity involved, you'll grow physically. Contribution is key to experiencing a life of fulfillment.

Here are a few examples...

“Contribution is the King of the 6 Human Needs because it regulates the others.”

Positive Means of Contribution:

• volunteer work

• a service-based career: teaching, police, coaching, medical, religious

• spending time with grandchildren, nephews & nieces, other family members, neighbors, the elderly

• visiting nursing homes

• community service

• charitable donations

• writing a book

• giving to children, family, friends

• adopting a child

• fostering children

Negative Means to Contribution:

• contributing to the destruction of others

• gossiping

• ganging up with others on an individual (bullying)

• selling drugs

• being condescending

• prostitution

• creating negative art that influences others: pornography, bad music

• politicians, government officials, and the general public voting towards degeneration of nation

Answer these questions: How do you Contribute and why is it important to you to Contribute in the ways you do? What drives your desire to Contribute the way you do? Have you Contributed in negative ways? How, and what did you learn from it?

CONCLUSION

The first four Human Needs (Love/Connection, Variety, Significance, and Certainty) are necessary for human survival and are the fundamental needs of the personality. The last two Human Needs (Growth and Contribution) are needs of the spirit and are necessary for a life of fulfillment.

When you have a belief or behavior that simultaneously fulfills three of the Human Needs, you become addicted to it. Please see just a few examples below:

Positive:

• being in a healthy romantic relationship/marriage = fulfills Love/Connection (with your partner), Significance (you feel important to your partner), Variety (you do fun things together, changes your physical and mental states), Growth (as you grow together, learn more about each other, and depend on each other for fun), Certainty (knowing your partner will always be there for you, unconditionally), Contribution (you contribute to them and their life: their wellbeing, career, happiness, and spiritual life).

• volunteer or service-based work = fulfills Connection and sometimes Love (as you connect with, love, and receive love from those you serve), Significance (you and your work are important to those you serve), Certainty (the need of your service will always be there), Variety (it's different from your everyday life and brings a new element into your daily routine), Growth (when serving others, growth occurs mentally, emotionally, spiritually), Contribution (you are contributing in a positive way to those in need).

• exercise = Love/Connection (with self, and others if in a group or gym), Variety (changes your physical, emotional, and mental states), Growth (positive physical changes occur in the body and brain), Certainty (you are certain that exercising will clear your mind, oxygenate and awaken your body, shed fat, build muscle and strength), Significance (you know you're doing something important for your overall health), and Contribution (if you're exercising in a group that feeds off your energy and presence).

Negative:

• alcohol and drug addiction = fulfills Love/Connection (connecting and soothing oneself), Certainty (it's always there and you can depend on it), Variety (it changes your mood from anxious to calm, from depression to being numb or experiencing a euphoric high), and Significance (you now feel important as you're catering to your needs and self-soothing).

• over-eating, emotional eating = Love/Connection (self-soothing), Significance (you feel in control which makes you feel important), Certainty (you can depend on eating to soothe yourself), Variety (eating brings blood to your stomach and when filled, you breathe deeply which makes you feel more alive; it changes your state)

• creating drama = Connection (with others, even if negative), Significance (you feel important when delivering dramatic news, positive or negative), Variety (you're no longer bored with your life), Certainty (you're certain to gain attention from those around you)

• gang violence = Love/Connection (with the members in your gang), Significance (you're marking your place in the gang, gaining respect from fellow gang members), Variety (the rush of adrenaline and emotions changes your state, even if for the negative), Contribution (you're contributing to the success of your gang).

Now you can understand how easily and quickly habits and addictions occur, both positive and negative. Thus, the importance of being mindful of your every thought, feeling, word, and action.

Don't want to put the effort in? Okay, but you'll remain stuck, empty, anxious, miserable, depressed, and unsuccessful.

Living an intentional and purposeful life takes energy, thought, and practice, and incorporating these elements is key to success and fulfillment.

Love one another,